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tv   Late Night With Jimmy Fallon  NBC  March 9, 2012 3:05am-4:00am PST

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-- captions by vitac -- ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much, everybody. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. thank you for being here. it's gonna be a fun show tonight. you guys -- [ cheers and applause ] this is -- this is our 600th episode. [ cheers and applause ] which means we're only 27 episodes away from our 627th episode. [ cheers ] hey, guys, i just read this, police officers across the country say that because of the economy, more thieves are stealing gas from parked cars. yeah. victims say they hadn't felt that robbed since they put gas into their car. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] listen to this, to celebrate leap day, disneyland stayed open for 24 hours straight, yesterday.
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so, yeah. so for someone who likes to hang out at disneyland at 3:00 a.m. -- [ light laughter ] i'm chris hansen, from "dateline" nbc. [ cheers and applause ] come on over. have some cookies. what'd you think was gonna happen over there? well, it is a small world after all, isn't it? [ light laughter ] some tv news, next month is the premiere of the new show "the real housewives of vancouver." you can tell it's canada. the housewives say nice things to each others faces, but then they go behind each others backs and say even nicer things. [ laughter ] did you see this? a new study found that cavemen suffered from many of the same diseases that modern humans have. you could tell that when one cavemen was like, "munga unga, sorry me dyslexic." [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] >> steve: could've said unga bunga. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> steve: but he's dyslexic.
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>> jimmy: the same study also found that early cavemen were lactose intolerant. it was explained to cavemen when they were like, "me better have soy milk, you no want me to be in cave after me have regular milk." [ laughter ] >> steve: really? >> jimmy: i don't know. did he say that? >> steve: i guess. apparently he said that. >> jimmy: this is interesting, you guys, a recent survey -- >> steve: it's for living. it's "the flintstones." >> jimmy: this is interesting, a recent survey revealed that one in three people wear out-of-date glasses. well, that can't be right. let me look at that. [ laughter ] one in three. one in three people, out-of-date glasses. [ laughter ] these are pretty convenient. >> steve: yeah, very convenient. look at that. is that a monocle in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? [ light laughter ]
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>> jimmy: this is pretty weird. a company in connecticut is now selling a mitt romney action figure. yeah, it'll actually bend to whatever position you want, just like the real mitt romney. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] isn't that amazing? and finally, an amusement park in england says that its test dummies lost their legs during trial runs of the new roller coaster. [ laughter ] yeah, there's a sign that says you must be this tall to ride the roller coaster, and you will be this tall after you ride it. we have a great show tonight! give it up for the roots right there! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a big show tonight! [ applause ] she is back to host "saturday night live" this weekend, i'm very excited to have her here tonight -- lindsay lohan is on the show! [ cheers and applause ]
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that's my buddy. come on -- i love her. i would say, is it lohan or lo-han? and i think it was lohan. >> steve: but i think it's now lo-han. >> jimmy: well, i think americans made it lo-han. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: so if you kind of are what everyone say you are. so it's lo-han, but it's lohan. >> steve: lohan. >> jimmy: well, it was always lohan in "mean girls" time. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: when she hosted. lindsay lohan. >> steve: but then maybe it got -- like steve buscemi, steve bu-semi. >> jimmy: oh yeah. and martin scorsese. >> steve: yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i can't even say his last name anymore. >> steve: and you're gonna go jimmy fal-lin. >> jimmy: yeah, jimmy fwaylon. [ laughter ] also, he's a very funny guy, who's doing a voice in the new 3-d animated movie "the lorax," rob riggle is stopping by! [ cheers and applause ] come on! and it gets even better -- >> steve: what? >> jimmy: it gets even better -- >> steve: what? >> jimmy: -- because as part of "bruce springsteen week," they've got a new record out, the great elvis costello will be performing a cover of a springsteen classic with the roots! [ applause ] and it is amazing, you guys. it's gonna blow your pants off. [ light laughter ]
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of course i have to thank the folks over at budweiser for sponsoring "springsteen week." [ cheers and applause ] making it all possible, making great beer. good music, good times. hey, guys, it's time for "late night hashtags," here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hashtags hashtags hashtags hashtags hashtags ♪ >> jimmy: these are lists on twitter where we give you the topic and you send in the tweets. so yesterday i went on twitter, i started a hashtag called "my co-worker is crazy." and i asked you guys at home to tweet out some funny, weird or crazy story about your co-worker. we got thousands of tweets. in fact within 10 minutes it was a worldwide trending topic. which is awesome. so thank you for sending in those tweets. [ applause ] it means a lot to us, i appreciate it. now i thought i'd share some of my favorite "my co-worker is crazy" tweets from you guys. here we go. first one's from @laurielauderdale, she says, "when he tries to scan things at the register with the gun he repeats 'scan for daddy,' over and over." [ laughter ] scan for daddy. scan for daddy. scan for daddy.
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>> steve: i'm chris hansen. >> jimmy: this one's from -- i am chris hansen from "dateline." scanning things over there? this one's from @tiggaman92, he says, "she acts like she's on the phone to avoid certain customers, one time it rang." [ laughter ] must be my second line. >> steve: yeah. call waiting. >> jimmy: this is from @montedamapmaker. >> steve: monte da mat maker? >> jimmy: monte da map maker. >> steve: map maker? >> jimmy: makes maps. like cartography. [ laughter ] like, i don't know if it's like a -- guy thing, or what does that mean? >> maybe he works for like, garum? >> jimmy: rand mcnalley? >> steve: yeah, rand mcnalley or garum. >> jimmy: what's garum? >> steve: isn't that that -- garmin. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: me dyslexic! munga unga. [ laughter ] munga unga, yeah, sorry. it's a serious problem, you guys. monte da map maker, he says, "she assigned every chair in our conference room a name.
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the other day she asked me don't you usually sit on tim?" [ laughter ] >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: no, i sit on barry tonight, i think. >> steve: that's not good. >> jimmy: this one's from @qcups, he says, "excited over a new client, my co-worker came into my office, jumped up, did a karate kick and pulled his hamstring." hi-yah ugh! [ laughter ] >> steve: that's just good times. >> jimmy: this one's from @djdaviesc, he says, "in the bathroom at work and someone comes in the next stall and says, 'dave, is that you?'" [ laughter ] i recognize the loafers. [ laughter ] >> steve: had a rough day, huh? [ light laughter ] me lactose intolerant. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: me lactose intolerant, too. this one's from -- >> steve: we're cavemen, we haven't changed much. >> jimmy: all right, this one's from @backgamanic. he says, "office was silent, then i hear the guy in the
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cubicle next to mine go, "oh, crap, i'm wearing my wife's socks again.'" [ laughter ] again? >> steve: again. >> jimmy: crud. >> oh, these socks are tight. my feet are growing. >> jimmy: this one's from @mcdre132, he says, "my co-worker eats all his fries first, because no one ever asks for a bite of the burger." [ laughter ] >> steve: gotta think. >> jimmy: the guy's got a point. i've never done that. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: smart. >> steve: that's why i smoke menthols, man. [ laughter ] nobody asks for them. everybody hates menthols. and i only drink rotten sour milk. >> jimmy: you're a fun guy -- you're a fun guy to hang out with. >> steve: you know. warm beer. >> jimmy: you drink -- warm beer. bunga unga. >> steve: bunga unga. drink shots of like warm orange soda. nobody ever asks for one, man. >> jimmy: i make my famous orange soda chicken. you want me to make this next week? >> steve: yeah, man. let's make some. i got a crockpot in the truck. [ laughter ]
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>> jimmy: plugs in your cigarette lighter? >> steve: yeah, plugs in my cigarette lighter. >> jimmy: this is my famous orange soda chicken. >> steve: i don't even wanna eat it. >> jimmy: i can't tell you the secret. >> steve: oh, come on. >> jimmy: but there's orange soda involved. >> steve: i'd hope so. >> jimmy: you got your crockpot? >> steve: yeah, i got it in my truck. >> jimmy: plug that thing in the cigarette lighter let's get some slow cooking. [ imitates engine sputtering ] >> steve: oh, crud. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: we need a jump. you need a jump? >> steve: call barry. call barry over here. >> jimmy: bunga unga. cavemen had phones back then? >> steve: it's a living. >> jimmy: oh my gosh. this one's from @cheddarcop. he says, "he will only use the third stall in the restroom because it has the perfect window breeze to flushing power ratio." t-m-i. >> steve: yeah, t-m-i. >> jimmy: this last one here's from @804amazing27, he says, "my co-worker took an hp toner cartridge, held it up to his crotch and yelled 'look at my toner boner.'" there you have it, those are
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tonight's "late night hashtags." to check out more of our favorites, go to hashtags. stick around, be right back with lindsay lohan, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] new 5 rpm gum. choose your energy. ♪ an energizing fruit or relaxing mint flavor. new 5 rpm gum. stimulate your senses.
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>> jimmy: our first guest this evening is a terrifically talented actress. you know her from movies like "freaky friday" and "mean girls," and this weekend, you can see her hosting "saturday night live" for the fourth time. please welcome to the show our old pal, lindsay lohan, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you look gorgeous. >> thank you. >> jimmy: good to see you, pal. >> you too. >> jimmy: i miss you. you look great. >> yeah, i'm only, like, two floors above you. >> jimmy: i know. you're hosting "snl." it's the fourth time hosting. >> yep. >> jimmy: you're a great host. >> thank you. >> jimmy: how did it happen? did you just -- did lorne call you? >> no, i actually was calling lorne. >> jimmy: you called lorne? >> yeah, i was calling lorne and i kept asking him and kind of -- not harassing him, but i wasn't giving up. >> jimmy: did you, like, say, can i host? can i host? >> yeah, i was, like, can i host? can i host? can we do something together? and he was in l.a. and kind
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of -- you know lorne. he's very, like, straight to the point. he's like, "what about march 3rd? what are you doing march 3rd?" >> jimmy: it's just like him. >> and i was like, oh, yeah, i'm free. i will make myself free. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. >> 'cause it's so much fun there. >> jimmy: it's the best. this cast is great. you're gonna have a good time. so, wait, now it's thursday. so, you haven't picked out all the sketches. any -- any spoilers? >> no, actually, and -- steve higgins can also attest to this 'cause i mentioned it to him. i was gonna -- i want -- will you stop by the show? on saturday? >> jimmy: sure, what do you mean? >> like, walk on? do something? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you want me to come on your show? >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: really? you want me to? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i'll do anything for you if you want me to do it. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i'll do anything for you. please. i'll totally do that. i'll do that. but what am i going to do? >> i don't know. whenever you can, just stop by and i'm sure you guys can figure it out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: interrupt the show and wave? like, "hi, you're doing great," and then leave? [ laughter ] >> interrupt in the beginning. >> jimmy: i'll bump people out. well, let's talk. >> okay. >> jimmy: i'll do that. but i want to talk about this elizabeth taylor thing you're doing. this is exciting for you. i think this is genius. 'cause i think you're an amazing
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actress. and you're going to do liz taylor? >> yes, i am playing elizabeth taylor from -- it starts with me as her in "cleopatra," so it's -- kind of spans over the years of her relationship with richard burton, which was toward the end of both of their lives. >> jimmy: and who's playing richard burton? >> we don't know yet. [ jimmy clears throat ] no, i really don't know yet. [ laughter ] i really don't know. people are -- >> jimmy: i'm not doing anything, so whenever you want to -- [ laughter ] you want to invite me to something else? i can do that. i mean -- or "saturday night live." whatever. i could play richard burton. wait, it's -- what's it called? >> sorry. i've been around all of these funny people all day, so i'm kind of having the giggles. >> jimmy: you have the gigglefest? >> yeah. what did you say? >> jimmy: i said who's -- i said what's it called? >> "liz and dick." >> jimmy: "liz and dick?" >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, hey, now, no, no. >> actually, it's perfect for you. >> jimmy: no, i -- >> no, i'm kidding. >> jimmy: don't say that. yeah, thanks. >> just kidding. >> jimmy: i have two predictions. i think, one, they're going to change the title to just "liz." [ laughter ]
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and the other prediction is you're going to get an emmy award for this. >> wow. >> jimmy: yeah. i think this is perfect for you. i think you're going to hit a homer with this. >> thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: absolutely, yeah. >> thank you. >> jimmy: making you a prediction. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i think we're giggling -- i think we're giggling and laughing because last time we were in the first-ever debbie downer sketch on "saturday night live." i mean, do you remember this? >> yes. >> jimmy: it was unbelievable. we couldn't stop laughing. >> even in the rehearsals, though -- in the dress, i feel like it was going on. >> jimmy: this is one of those -- >> and i just knew. >> jimmy: yeah, we were at disneyland. this is a sketch. we're at disneyland and our friend, i guess -- or family member, debbie is just a bummer. >> she's, like, a distant, distant, distant cousin. >> jimmy: distant cousin, and everything -- we're trying to have fun at disneyland. we're happy, and pluto's dancing behind. and then she's talking about global warming and stuff like that. [ laughter ] and just bringing everyone down. >> but it was worse than that, because you and horatio kept looking at each other and stuffing waffles in your mouth. and i think you kicked me at one point. and i thought i was gonna get in trouble. >> jimmy: no, i was trying not to laugh. >> i know you were, but it made it worse.
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>> jimmy: but everyone knew it. and the whole crowd was shaking. like, you could feel everyone -- 'cause, you know, that studio up there is on springs. all the sane people know that. it really is. it really hanging from something. not springs, but -- so, that's the subway rumbling -- >> i feel so safe. >> jimmy: well, you'll bounce if it falls. no, but, so, anyways, we were up there. i remember being up there, and everyone's just shaking, the whole audience goes -- we're waiting for rachel to say her last lines, which was -- her last line is "it's official. i can't have children." [ laughter ] like, why would you say that at disneyland? like, we're having breakfast, and rachel is wiping tears with these mickey mouse waffles. >> with the waffles. [ laughter ] and then it started -- i walked off. >> jimmy: no, you -- did you? >> yeah. one more line, and i was scared i was going to get in trouble for laughing. >> jimmy: we have one -- >> and i just lost it. >> jimmy: we had -- she had one more line to say. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and the audience is waiting. we're, like, come, just say it, 'cause then once you say it, we can just leave and get out of the sketch. and she wouldn't say it. and then finally she said it, and we just lost it. but i have a clip of it here. here's the first debbie downer.
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>> speaking of -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] speaking of heat, if this greenhouse effect keeps up, we'll all be living underwater. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] by the way -- [ laughter ] by the way, it's official. [ laughter ] i can't have children. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on. she's the best. [ cheers and applause ]
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you're so funny. you're going to kill it this weekend. but you want to stick around? can we play a game? >> yes. >> jimmy: all right, come on. all right, lindsay lohan and i are playing pictionary after the break! stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ man ] do you think a bottle cap would float on the top of that head? uh... -i don't. -no. ♪ oh, that's cool. like i said. sweet mamacita. [ jim ] a good head on a beer tells you that beer was made with a lot of malted barley. and that's going to deliver a lot of flavor. [ bob ] a good, thick, rocky head -- that's really releasing a lot of the hop aroma. you can taste the barley. you can taste the hops. feels bold. good head on a beer shows that you did your job right, and it's going to add to the enjoyment of boston lager.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody. we are back with lindsay lohan. tune in to "saturday night live" this weekend and see lindsay hosting with musical guest jack white. so, lindsay and i are going to play a little pictionary tonight, and we've got some partners from the audience. what's your name and where are you from? >> chelsea, orlando. >> jimmy: hey, chelsea. welcome. you're my partner. >> thank you. >> jimmy: very good, and you are? >> mike. >> jimmy: mike, from -- >> oakland, california. >> jimmy: from oakland, california. very good. >> hi, how are you? >> jimmy: that's your partner. be friends now, but we're enemies as soon as the game starts. the rules are simple. we pick a clue, announce if it's action, object, person or phrase. then we start drawing. 30 seconds on the clock per turn. lindsay and i will each go on
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sketching to our teammates, with one point for each correct guess, then our partners will take their turn drawing. then we'll have a showdown -- fifth and final round. lindsay and i will be drawing the same clue. at this point, it will be 2:00 in the morning. [ laughter ] and our partners will be guessing. a correct answer in the showdown is worth two points. may the best team win. lindsay, why don't you guys go first? lindsay, you go first. >> oh, okay. >> jimmy: you go first. all right. >> okay. >> jimmy: so, audience can help you out and pick a number if you want. where are we sitting? over here? >> i'm going with -- why are there so many eights? >> jimmy: only one person yelling eight. >> oh my god. i don't even know what this is. >> jimmy: what? let me see. >> jimmy: no, i'm not -- no, you can show me. you can show me. >> oh, wait, i can? oh, yeah, that's right. >> jimmy: you know what that is. you don't. >> i don't. >> jimmy: yes, you do. >> i don't even -- it's a -- oh, my god, okay. >> jimmy: all right, 30 seconds on the clock. here we go! >> oh, i started. >> pole. dancing pole. >> jimmy: what is it? >> flag. >> jimmy: lindsay, listen to him. >> building. >> oh, i can -- >> jimmy: what did you say first?
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>> building. >> jimmy: what did you say first? >> pole. pole dancing. [ laughter ] pole -- pole square -- pole -- [ screams ] pole -- pole triangle. pole -- pole -- >> jimmy: yeah, pole triangle. [ laughter ] that's close. >> pole -- [ buzzer ] >> pole -- i was trying to do a vault. >> oh. >> lock and -- >> jimmy: that was good. that was good. so you were drawing a vault. pole vaulting. [ applause ] >> but it's, like, really? >> jimmy: you lost. >> really? do i put that there? >> jimmy: all right, good. ready? >> oh yeah. >> jimmy: this is going to be awesome. this is exciting. >> i'm really good. >> jimmy: you've got to be fast. >> it looks so -- like, weird. >> jimmy: which one, guys? [ yelling ] oh, no. [ laughter ] what? >> i wanna know what it is. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. all right. >> really? >> jimmy: what? really? that funny? all right.
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ready for this? >> yes. >> jimmy: here we go. all right. oh, it's a phrase. >> okay. >> jimmy: i can say that. [ laughter ] >> domino's? domino's pizza? [ laughter ] um -- soap? bubbles? >> jimmy: i don't know what that looks like. sorry, sorry, sorry. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> draw really fast. >> jimmy: i can't draw that, though, right? i'm not allowed to draw that. i can? [ laughter ] oh, money. [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. i didn't know you could draw that. i can draw symbols? anyways, put your money where your mouth is. [ laughter ] all right. wasn't that exciting. sorry, chelsea. yeah, at least mike clapped for his partner when he came back. [ laughter ] >> yeah, mike. >> we'll do four. >> jimmy: oh, you didn't even ask the audience. [ laughter ] >> oh, sorry, guys.
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[ boos ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah right. >> it's so amazing. >> jimmy: i don't care, man. i play to win. >> you are ruthless. >> jimmy: i'm out for blood, man. i'm ruthless. >> it's an action. [ laughter ] >> it's an action or actions? >> it's just action. an action. [ laughter ] >> laughing? saying hello? getting a cab? what is that? walking your dog? [ laughter ] getting gas? sweating? deodorant? >> yes. >> putting on deodorant? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. all right. let's go, buddy. unbelievable. mike, your turn is over. >> mike, you're awesome. [ laughter ] >> i just want to flip it. >> love you, mike. >> jimmy: sit down. [ laughter ] >> you made my day. >> jimmy: yeah, big deal.
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[ yelling ] >> okay. okay, it's a -- >> jimmy: i like your confidence. >> action. >> she's, like, chillin'. >> jimmy: yeah, action. all right, we can do this. >> ready? should i go? >> jimmy: yeah. >> okay. umm -- >> jimmy: stop saying umm. [ laughter ] good person. got it. foot. sneaker. shoe. skechers shape ups. [ laughter ] running. moving forward. walking. baby steps. happy. skipping. skipping. baby -- steps. baby? skipping? the audience is doing stuff. moving? walking? walk? walk? walk the dog. walk the dinosaur. walk the moon. [ cheers ] [ buzzer ] walking the moon. [ sad tuba ] moonwalk. oh, my gosh. he was doing a forward moonwalk? [ laughter ] tricky. he does a backwards moonwalk. [ cheers and applause ] all right.
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>> now what do we do now? >> jimmy: lindsay, me and you together. now, this is showdown. >> go, lindsay. >> jimmy: this is major league. all right, so -- here, i'll help you out. actually, i'm helping me out. sorry. >> oh. >> jimmy: all right, so we'll pick one. pretty strong. [ cheers ] we're both doing the same thing. >> okay. >> jimmy: we'll look at it together. [ laughter ] all right. ready? >> yeah. >> jimmy: here we go. go. >> potato? um -- potato? >> corn. >> corn? >> corn on the cob. >> corn on the cob. >> corn dog. >> yes! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. oh, my gosh.
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that was awful. i am the worst at this game. you guys, do not miss lindsay lohan hosting "saturday night live" this weekend! rob riggle joins us next! congratulations! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] when do you take 5-hour energy? when i'm on the night shift. when they have more energy than i do. when i don't feel like working out. when there isn't enough of me to go around. ♪ when i have school. and work. every morning. it's faster and easier than coffee. every afternoon when that 2:30 feeling hits. -every day. -every day. every day is a 5-hour energy day. [ male announcer ] 5-hour energy. every day. the day starts with arthritis pain... a load of new listings... and two pills. after a morning of walk-ups, it's back to more pain, back to more pills.
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the evening showings bring more pain and more pills. sealing the deal... when, hang on... her doctor recommended aleve. it can relieve pain all day with fewer pills than tylenol. this is lois... who chose two aleve and fewer pills for a day free of pain. [ female announcer ] try aleve d for strong all day sinus and headache relief.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know our next guest from his years on "saturday night live," and "the daily show." as well as scene-stealing work in "the hangover," "step brothers," and "the other guys." he's got two big movies out this month, the action comedy "21 jumpstreet," with jonah hill, and the 3-d animated movie "dr. seuss' the lorax," which is out tomorrow. say hello to rob riggle, everybody! ♪ in your face in your face in your face ♪ ♪ in your face in your face
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in your face ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: rob riggle, good to see you, buddy. >> well done. >> jimmy: that was good, right? do you get that -- >> that was awesome. >> jimmy: do you get "in your face" a lot? >> i do. mainly at airports when i'm not ready for it. [ laughter ] "in your face!" that and "pow!" a lot of that. >> jimmy: right in your face. the last time i saw you was at our emmy party. >> oh, jimmy, you throw a good emmy party. >> jimmy: that was good, right? >> it was a good time. what i remember of it, it was a really good time. >> jimmy: i remember seeing you -- >> yeah, i remember seeing you and going, "jimmy!" >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. i don't remember the end, but it was a fun time. >> it was a good time. >> jimmy: but now you got 20,000 movies coming out. congratulations. that's awesome, buddy. >> thank you, thank you very much. >> jimmy: originally you're from kansas city? >> yeah. yep, overland park, kansas, grew up in kansas city. very proud of kansas city. >> jimmy: paul rudd's from there, too, right? >> yeah, as a matter of fact, it's funny you say that, paul rudd, jason sudeikis, and myself all grew up within five miles of each other. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah. we just grew up in a five-mile radius.
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they went to shawnee mission west -- pfft! >> jimmy: oh, come on. >> i went to shawnee mission south. >> jimmy: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] in your face! it's "springsteen week" on our show. >> i know, oh my gosh. i've been watching, obviously. and this week's "springsteen week." so good, by the way. awesome. >> jimmy: all week has been great. >> i'm so glad you're doing this, too, by the way. i love it. >> jimmy: he's such a good -- god, he's putting 150% -- >> we were at bonnaroo together, when he played. >> jimmy: that's right! >> we were at bonnaroo together when he played there. do you remember that show? >> jimmy: the comedy tent. >> it was phenomenal. >> jimmy: we did the comedy tent in bonnaroo, which they always -- they tell you that it's the air conditioned, the coolest tent. we go, "oh, it's good." you go there, it's not cool. >> it's not cool at all. >> jimmy: 150 degrees. >> and the music from the band's are just pumping so no one can hear what you're doing. >> jimmy: kanye west is rapping and i'm going like, "you guys ever eat airplane food? like, what's that about?" [ laughter ] that was rough. >> i remember the first time that i saw springsteen was -- i was in high school, and my friend and i, jeff robbins, who's a super fan, like unbelievable.
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knew everything there is to know about springsteen. >> jimmy: is he one of those guys that like, he brings a set list to the concert, and he finds it online, like "he's gonna do 'born to run' next." like, shut up! >> something's wrong with bruce, he's out of sync. >> jimmy: he never plays this song! this is not what he's supposed to do. >> all right, i gotta record this. i've got to get online. i've got to get online. >> jimmy: get online. i'm getting out of here. or the guy who has his phone up the whole time? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i want to see this through the phone instead of seeing it right there. i wanna see it through my phone. yeah, you're the only person that can get footage of this. >> well, this was all before technology. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> this is way back in the day. and we skipped school, and we drove from kansas city, because the closest bruce was gonna come to kansas city was st. louis. so we drove five hours to st. louis and we didn't have tickets. the show had been sold out for months. and i was like you know, "dude, this better work." and he's like, "trust me, trust me." we had no money. how are we gonna scalp tickets, we don't have any money. and he had read something in magazines and apparently bruce doesn't care for scalpers too much, so right before sold out shows, every now and then he
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will release some tickets. so, we couldn't get any scalp tickets, so we stood by the box office, and i was looking at him going, you -- you know, you're killing me. and sure enough, they opened the box office and we leaned in, "can we get tickets?" sure. so we got tickets at face value. and ten rows back, two rows up. i could feel the sweat hit me from the boss. >> jimmy: that is fantastic. that is like being -- >> he put on a four-hour show. he did "born in the usa" about two and a half hours in. and i'm thinking, "this is it, this is the finale. this is it." and when he got done, he's like, "relax everybody, it's only halftime." halftime! >> jimmy: two and a half hours, halftime. >> yeah, halftime. >> jimmy: that's how killer -- the guy's insane. >> that's why he's the best. so i'm glad you're doing it. i'm glad you're doing it. >> jimmy: well, you're a good man. i know, it's gonna be fun tonight. [ cheers and applause ] elvis costello, when you hear this, you're gonna go nuts. >> yeah, elvis. oh, that's -- >> jimmy: i mean, you can't beat that. elvis costello doing bruce? >> i'm totally gonna get my picture taken with him. i don't care, i'm like whatever. >> jimmy: no, whatever. or videotape it on your phone. [ laughter ] [ talking over each other ] totally. now, a lot of people don't know this, i don't know if you do
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know this, you were in the marines. >> that's right. >> jimmy: before you got into comedy. >> that's right. i'm still in the marines today. >> jimmy: you still are? >> i'm still in it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: that's awesome. >> yeah, i'm still in the -- still in the reserves. i'm gonna retire this -- probably this summer. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: now what does that mean in the reserves? if they need you, you're there? >> yeah, i mean, if it came to that, if they called, i'm still on the books. so they could come and get me. >> jimmy: wow. that's a little scary. >> i'm not helping myself by being on tv. >> jimmy: no, by announcing it on television either. yeah, sorry about that. but i mean, when did you realize you wanted to get into comedy from that? >> well, i was a theater and film major in college. and you know, i was voted most humorous in my senior class. and i've just always been a fan of comedy. i always wanted to do it. but as a theater and film major in college, you're gonna be a waiter when you graduate from college. >> jimmy: of course you are, yeah. >> if you're lucky, maybe a bartender. >> jimmy: if you're lucky. let's not go too crazy. >> right. but i also earned my pilot's license when i was in college. so, i got a guaranteed flight contract from the marine corps. so i figured i'd try to be top gun. >> jimmy: that's pretty cool, man.
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>> i didn't get jets, i got helicopters. i was getting close to getting my wings and i realized once i pinned those wings on, they had me for eight years. and i could do the math, and i was like, "oh, i'm not gonna get to do comedy." so i quit flying and became a ground officer. and when i quit flying, my commanding officer, he didn't go for it. he didn't like it very much. >> jimmy: no, of course not. >> he goes, "what's the problem? what's the problem?" i was like, "i think i want to be a comedian." and he goes, "don't ever -- >> jimmy: really funny, boy? >> yes, exactly. >> jimmy: gets right in your face. make me laugh then! come on laugh! in your face! i'm not laughing yet! >> exactly. there was a lot of that. a lot of that. >> jimmy: but look at you now -- >> but then he looked at me and he goes, "don't ever tell anybody what you just told me." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: see that's smart. that's smart. yeah. are you still in touch with him now or no? >> no, no, no, no. >> jimmy: he hates your guts. >> he hates my guts. >> jimmy: yeah, absolutely. but then, so you left and then you came to new york. what'd you do? >> yeah, yeah i did. well, i went to north carolina. i've served all over. i've served in liberia, i've served in kosovo, i've served in
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afghanistan. yeah, i've been places, done things. but i was in new york -- as a matter of fact, i got back from afghanistan in late 2002, 2003, and then i got on "snl" in 2004. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah, just a year after i got back. >> jimmy: isn't that fun? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: well, thank you for your service and thank you for your comedy as well. >> thank you. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're a good man. now you're in "the lorax." this is like, every kid on earth wants to go see this movie. it's gonna kill. >> it's a fun -- well, you had danny on last night. >> jimmy: yeah, danny devito on last night. >> so good, right? he's such a good dude. >> jimmy: and he's a legend. >> and he's fun. >> jimmy: and he's a legend. oh, he's so good. i love him. so, this is your character here. explain what your character does. [ laughter ] >> i am the bad guy. i'm the bad guy. aloysius o'hare. he's about as tall as this. he's about that, yeah. he's about that tall. >> jimmy: yeah, he's like really tiny. >> but i wanted to give him a big voice. he's got an awesome hair cut, as you just saw. >> jimmy: it's pretty neat, yeah. >> yeah, i think that's probably gonna -- you're gonna see a lot of that on wall street. a lot of corporate guys are gonna -- just like, you know,
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gordon gecko has the slicked-back. >> jimmy: but that's pretty cool. so what do you end up doing? can we say? spoilers? >> i don't want to give any spoilers, but i'm an industrialist who's lost his way. >> jimmy: yeah. all right, that's pretty good. yeah, that's what most dr. seuss books are about. >> exactly. real heavy. >> jimmy: real heavy. long, long books. >> "and then the mayans said on december 12th --" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wait a second, peter geisel's lost his mind. i want to show a clip of rob riggle in "the lorax." you guys, check this out. >> ted, ted, big scary blimp coming. >> ah! >> ah ha, ha, ha, ha! ♪ ha, ha, ha! ♪ whoa! you won't get away with this, boy! bang! ♪ go faster, you idiot! yeah! >> step on it, ted!
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>> whoa! ♪ oue fired! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: super fun, man. that's fun. >> thanks. >> jimmy: "the lorax" in 3-d comes out everywhere friday! rob riggle, everybody! elvis costello performs next, come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ introducing the new flip & fresh from air wick with 100% fragrance oil. it's something new to brighten your home with two scent levels to choose from . . . . it's the new flip & fresh from air wick. the lasting fresh fragrance that brightens your world
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] steve: tonight's musical performance is brought to you by budweiser. >> jimmy: come back tomorrow night. we'll be wrapping up bruce springsteen week with the entire show dedicated to bruce springsteen. we'll catch up with him. plus, he and the entire e street band will be performing a few songs for us. it's gonna be huge. so i'll see you then, tomorrow night. [ cheers and applause ] but first, our next guest is a rock legend and one of our favorite guests. on march 6th, he will be performing at the apollo theater in new york as part of the robert johnson at 100 centennial celebration. tonight, he's here as part of bruce springsteen week with a performance. "a brilliant disguise." with a little help from the roots, please welcome back to our show, elvis costello!
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i hold you in my arms there's a band playin what are those words whispered baby ♪ ♪ just as you turn away well i saw you last night out on the edge of town ♪ ♪ i wanna read your mind and know just what i've got in this new thing i've found ♪
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♪ so tell me what i see when i look in your eyes is that you baby or just a brilliant disguise ♪ ♪ i heard somebody call your name underneath our willow ♪ ♪ i saw something tucked in shame underneath your pillow ♪ ♪ well i tried so hard baby but i just can't see
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what a woman like you is doing with me ♪ ♪ so tell me who i see when i look into your eyes is that you baby or just a brilliant disguise ♪ ♪ now look at me baby struggling to do everything right ♪ ♪ and then it all falls apart when out go the lights ♪
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♪ i'm just a lonely pilgrim i walk this world in wealth i want to know if it's you i don't trust ♪ ♪ cause i damn sure don't trust myself ♪ ♪ now you play the loving woman i play the faithful man ♪ ♪ but just don't look too close into the palm of my hand ♪ ♪ when we stood at the altar the gypsy swore our future was bright ♪ ♪ but come the wee wee hours
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maybe baby the gypsy lied ♪ ♪ so when you look at me you better look hard and look twice ♪ ♪ is it me baby or just a brilliant disguise ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ tonight our bed is cold i'm lost in the darkness of our love ♪
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♪ lord have mercy on a man who doubts what he's sure of ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's how you do it! thanks, buddy. that's how you do it! elvis costello, the one and only. the roots! visit for an exclusive bonus performance. we will be right back, everybody! that's the way to do it. [ cheers and applause ] [ male announcer ] this is lois. the day starts with arthritis pain... a load of new listings... and two pills. after a morning of walk-ups, it's back to more pain, back to more pills. the evening showings bring more pain and more pills. sealing the deal... when, hang on... her doctor recommended aleve.
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it can relieve pain all day with fewer pills than tylenol. this is lois... who chose two aleve and fewer pills for a day free of pain. [ female announcer ] and try aleve for relief from tough headaches. for a day free of pain. 11 years playing the outfield, and i got no plans to retire. [ female announcer ] aging may slow a dog down, but iams helps keep dogs playing year after year with our age-specific nutrition. and now, even for dogs 11 and older with new iams senior plus. it helps boost the immune response to that of an adult dog and helps fight signs of aging. [ dog ] i'll never be a bench-warmer. [ female announcer ] new iams senior plus. see the iams difference or your money back. [ dog ] i am an iams dog for life. ...and on the go... ...with some really big news. it's b-i-g -- big. high speed internet from at&t at home... ...includes wi-fi access on the go. woo-hoo! [ together ] it's an unbelievable deal. well, gotta go. but wait -- there's more... [ female announcer ] go to the website below today and get high speed internet
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for the unbelievably low price of just 14.95 a month for 12 months with a one-year price guarantee. it's all the speed you need at a great price. you can chill online at a park. here, pidgie, pidgie. [ pigeon coos ] and surf the web at your favorite bookstore. our internet at home includes access to the entire national at&t wi-fi hot spot network on the go. [ female announcer ] go to the website below and get high speed internet for just 14.95 a month for 12 months with a one-year price guarantee. that's all the speed you need at a great price. it's an unbelievable deal. so why wait? act now, act now! like he said... ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to lindsay lohan, rob riggle, elvis costello! [ cheers and applause ]
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budweiser, and the greatest band in late night, the roots right there, everybody! stay tuned for "carson daly," thank you for watching! have a great night! hope to see you tomorrow, guys! bye-bye! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪


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